fly like you've never flown before,

Friday, April 18, 2008

ima feeling so hurt now. ive been crying ever since i saw that blog entry. am i over-sensitive? am i thinking too much? i should trust him right? i shouldnt question him about that right? someone tell me.. tell me am i wrong?

i shouldnt have gone blog-browsing. i shouldnt be so nosy and look around. what did i get? hurt! my heart sanks when i read those words. my heart breaks when i carry on reading.. nothing can cheer me up right now..

thanks! i know eu order mac for me, with my fave strawberry sundae. but.. i dun feel like having anything. i got no appetite to enjoy my fave food. i feel so sick now. i feel like puking. i having bad gastric.

thing hasnt been good for me recently. out of job. now this. fcuk! what have i done? i did so much for him. i gave up so much. i look forward to all those bright future with eu. i have been planning how to celebrate ure bdae for eu. i want all the best just for eu. why do i have to see those stuff. why cant i pretend nothing has happened? ima telling myself is all fake. im seeing double. its not eu. but i cant..

i cant calm myself down at all. i cant be alone for any second. all i want is a simple life with just eu & me. with eu around ima the most blessed lady in this world. i dunwn my dreams to be shuttered by all this fcuking shit. i trust eu, but why do eu have to hurt me in this way.. i agree im playful at times where i wana go drink, go club. but i can say i really giving up all these for eu as i know eu hate it so much.

i have noone to turn to now. ima feeling so lost now. i falled deeply for eu. but please dun throw me away. its hurt when eu bring up the "breakup" thingy. i wana say okay, fine. but i cant. cos i know i wont feel good letting eu go. cos i dunwn to let go of what i have of eu. i have so much memories of eu. i jump into this r/s with eu cos i know eu are the one. i dunwn to end everything just like that. i dunwn to let go of what i have build up with eu, for eu.

please dun..

hold me TIGHT:and NEVER let go-8:22 AM

Wednesday, April 16, 2008

i really damn piss-ed* off with the kinda management they have can? ima the one got hurt okays? idiotic superior i have in this tootpid company. ya. a damn big company but with idiotic people!!!

)):

i miss-ed* work for 3days. due to over relcutant to turn up for work. and secondly i just hate facing my supervisor larh. cb! give me attitude when ima leaving. bad mouth me. ya, and the toopid manager side with them so much that she say is i over-sensitive and i should grow up with my thinking! fcuk up can?!

wah.. i super angry till i speechless larh. anyway, also gud larh, i dun have to go back to the toopid place anymore. im FREE! but.. ima out of job. )):

haish.. i need to whine. i got so much to say and complain. HELP~! i dun feel gud at all..

hold me TIGHT:and NEVER let go-10:17 AM

Tuesday, April 15, 2008

ima gonna share a touching story which made me tears. (= trust me, read it slowly. it will touch eu.. thou its kinda long, but be patience and read till the end.

When You Divorce Me, Carry Me Out in Your Arms

On my wedding day, I carried my wife in my arms. The bridal car stopped in front of our one-room flat. My buddies insisted that I carry her out of the car in my arms. So I carried her into our home. She was then plump and shy..

I was a strong and happy bridegroom.

This was the scene ten years ago.

The following days were as simple as a cup of pure water: we had a kid; I went into business and tried to make more money. When the assets were steadily increasing, the affection between us seemed to ebb. She was a civil servant. Every morning we left home together and got home almost at the same time. Our kid was studying in a boarding school.

Our marriage life seemed to be enviably happy. But the calm life was more likely to be affected by unpredictable changes.

Dew came into my life.

It was a sunny day. I stood on a spacious balcony. Dew hugged me from behind. My heart once again was immersed in her stream of love. This was the apartment I bought for her.

Dew said, you are the kind of man who best draws girls' eyeballs. Her words suddenly reminded me of my wife. When we were just married, my wife said,

Men like you, once successful, will be very attractive to girls.

Thinking of this, I became somewhat hesitant. I knew I had betrayed my wife.. But I couldn't help doing so.

I moved Dew's hands aside and said you go to select some furniture, O.K.?

I've got something to do in the company. Obviously she was unhappy, because I had promised to do it together with her. At the moment, the idea of divorce became clearer in my mind although it used to be something impossible to me.

However, I found it rather difficult to tell my wife about it. No matter how mildly I mentioned it to her, she would be deeply hurt.

Honestly, she was a good wife. Every evening she was busy preparing dinner.

I was sitting in front of the TV. The dinner was ready soon. Then we watched TV together. Or, I was lounging before the computer, visualizing Dew's body.

This was the means of my entertainment.

One day I said to her in a slightly joking way, suppose we divorce, what will you do? She stared at me for a few seconds without a word. Apparently she believed that divorce was something too far away from her. I couldn't imagine how she would react once she got to know I was serious.

When my wife went to my office, Dew had just stepped out. Almost all the staff looked at my wife with a sympathetic eye and tried to hide something while talking to her. She seemed to have got some hint. She gently smiled at my subordinates. But I read some hurt in her eyes.

Once again, Dew said to me, He Ning, divorce her, O.K.? Then we live together. I nodded. I knew I could not hesitate any more.

When my wife served the last dish, I held her hand. I've got something to tell you, I said. She sat down and ate quietly. Again I observed the hurt in her eyes. Suddenly I didn't know how to open my mouth. But I had to let her know what I was thinking. I want a divorce. I raised the serious topic calmly.

She didn't seem to be annoyed by my words, instead she asked me softly, why?

I'm serious. I avoided her question. This so-called answer made her angry..

She threw away the chopsticks and shouted at me, you are not a man!

That night, we didn't talk to each other. She was weeping. I knew she wanted to find out what had happened to our marriage. But I could hardly give her a satisfactory answer, because my heart had gone to Dew.

With a deep sense of guilt, I drafted a divorce agreement which stated that she could own our house, our car, and 30% stake of my company. She glanced at it and then tore it into pieces. I felt a pain in my heart. The woman who had been living ten years with me would become a stranger one day. But I could not take back what I had said.

Finally she cried loudly in front of me, which was what I had expected to see. To me her cry was actually a kind of release. The idea of divorce which had obsessed me for several weeks seemed to be firmer and clearer.

Late that night, I came back home after entertaining my clients. I saw her writing something at the table. I fall asleep fast. When I woke up, I found she was still there. I turned over and was asleep again.

She brought up her divorce conditions: she didn't want anything from me, but I was supposed to give her one month s time before divorce, and in the month's time we must live as normal a life as possible. Her reason was simple: our son would finish his summer vacation a month later and she didn't want him to see our marriage was broken.

She passed me the agreement she drafted, and then asked me, He Ning, do you still remember how I entered our bridal room on the wedding day? This question suddenly brought back all those wonderful memories to me. I nodded and said, I remember. You carried me in your arms, she continued, so, I have a requirement, that is, you carry me out in your arms on the day when we divorce. From now to the end of this month, you must carry me out from the bedroom to the door every morning.

I accepted with a smile. I knew she missed those sweet days and wished to end her marriage romantically.

I told Dew about my wife s divorce conditions. She laughed loudly and thought it was absurd. No matter what tricks she does, she has to face the result of divorce, she said scornfully. Her words more or less made me feel uncomfortable.

My wife and I hadn't had any body contact since my divorce intention was explicitly expressed. We even treated each other as a stranger. So when I carried her out on the first day, we both appeared clumsy. Our son clapped behind us, daddy is holding mummy in his arms. His words brought me a sense of pain. From the bedroom to the sitting room, then to the door, I walked over ten meters with her in my arms. She closed her eyes and said softly,

Let us start from today, don't tell our son. I nodded, feeling somewhat upset. I put her down outside the door. She went to wait for a bus, I drove to the office.

On the second day, both of us acted much more easily. She leaned on my chest. We were so close that I could smell the fragrance of her blouse. I realized that I hadn't looked at this intimate woman carefully for a long time. I found she was not young any more. There were some fine wrinkles on her face.

On the third day, she whispered to me, the outside garden is being demolished. Be careful when you pass there.

On the fourth day, when I lifted her up, I seemed to feel that we were still an intimate couple and I was holding my sweetheart in my arms. The visualization of Dew became vague.

On the fifth and sixth day, she kept reminding me something, such as, where she put the ironed shirts, I should be careful while cooking, etc. I nodded.

The sense of intimacy was even stronger. I didn't tell Dew about this.

I felt it was easier to carry her. Perhaps the everyday workout made me stronger. I said to her, It seems not difficult to carry you now. She was picking her dresses. I was waiting to carry her out. She tried quite a few but could not find a suitable one. Then she sighed, all my dresses have grown bigger. I smiled. But I suddenly realized that it was because she was thinner that I could carry her more easily, not because I was stronger. I knew she had buried all the bitterness in her heart. Again, I felt a sense of pain.. Subconsciously I reached out a hand to touch her head.

Our son came in at the moment. Dad, it's time to carry mum out. He said. To him, seeing his father carrying his mother out had been an essential part of his life. She gestured our son to come closer and hugged him tightly. I turned my face because I was afraid I would change my mind at the last minute. I held her in my arms, walking from the bedroom, through the sitting room, to the hallway. Her hand surrounded my neck softly and naturally. I held her body tightly, as if we came back to our wedding day. But her much lighter weight made me sad.

On the last day, when I held her in my arms I could hardly move a step. Our son had gone to school. She said, actually I hope you will hold me in your arms until we are old.

I held her tightly and said, both you and I didn't notice that our life lacked intimacy.

I jumped out of the car swiftly without locking the door. I was afraid any delay would make me change my decision. I walked upstairs. Dew opened the door. I said to her, Sorry, Dew, I won't divorce. I'm serious.

She looked at me, astonished. The she touched my forehead. You got no fever.. She said. I moved her hand off my head. Sorry, Dew, I said, I can only say sorry to you, I won't divorce. My marriage life was boring probably because she and I didn't value the details of life, not because we didn't love each other any more. Now I understand that since I carried her into the home, she gave birth to our child, I am supposed to hold her until I am old.

So I have to say sorry to you.

Dew seemed to suddenly wake up. She gave me a loud slap and then slammed the door and burst into tears. I walked downstairs and drove to the office.

When I passed the floral shop on the way, I ordered a bouquet for my wife which was her favorite. The salesgirl asked me what to write on the card. I smiled and wrote, I'll carry you out every morning until we are old.

hold me TIGHT:and NEVER let go-6:10 PM

Thursday, November 29, 2007

im TIRED!* damn shag can?! i dunno what makes me so tired, i just feeling so sick everyday. and for no special reasons, i start getting migraine every now and then.. i dun like the feeling of it. sometimes work till have way, i really can feel im gonna black-out any minute.. if not is i will feel so giddy larh. ):
haish.. what is happening to me again?!

sorry peeps, i know i hasn't been updating. i should change my blogskin but i didn't at all. but still i wana THANKS my xinhui fer helping me find some beautiful blogskins. i lurve most of them but i dunno which to choose. haahs* i promise i will update this weekend. (:

yeah~! DECEMEMBER ish here!!!
meaning X'MAS ish around the corner le. (:
i hope tish year i will have a lovely white x'mas and many many pressies! =D
but year 2007 ish gonna end in one months time. =/
have to plan a new NEW YEAR RESOLUTION again and hopefully i can achieve some of them.
heehs*

i need more rest i guess..
but.. i cant sleep at all. and worst, i can have those stupid dreams in the middle of the night and waking up either in tears or fright.
sigh~
tink im feeling stress once again..
whenever im stressup i will have all stupid thing coming my way..
someone please guide me.. im really physically & mentally DRAINED*...

i miss my dear girlies so much! but.. do they miss me too?
haish..
will anyone bother if im gone one day?

hold me TIGHT:and NEVER let go-10:00 PM

Friday, October 26, 2007

Went Blog-Browsing and found tish interesting site on XinHui's blog. (:
a Personality Test which ish quite true fer me. hee.
Below ish my test results. ((:
Click HERE!

Your Score: 6 - the Questioner

you chose CY - your Enneagram type is SIX (aka "The Loyalist").

"I am affectionate and skeptical"

Questioners are responsible, trustworthy, and value loyalty to family, friends, groups, and causes. Their personalities range broadly from reserved and timid to outspoken and confrontative.

How to Get Along with Me

Be direct and clear.
Listen to me carefully.
Don't judge me for my anxiety.
Work things through with me.
Reassure me that everything is OK between us.
Laugh and make jokes with me.
Gently push me toward new experiences.
Try not to overreact to my overreacting.

What I Like About Being a SIX

being committed and faithful to family and friends
being responsible and hardworking
being compassionate toward others
having intellect and wit
being a nonconformist
confronting danger bravely
being direct and assertive

What's Hard About Being a SIX

the constant push and pull involved in trying to make up my mind
procrastinating because of fear of failure; having little confidence in myself
fearing being abandoned or taken advantage of
exhausting myself by worrying and scanning for danger
wishing I had a rule book at work so I could do everything right
being too critical of myself when I haven't lived up to my expectations

SIXes as Children Often

are friendly, likable, and dependable, and/or sarcastic, bossy, and stubborn
are anxious and hypervigilant; anticipate danger
form a team of "us against them" with a best friend or parent
look to groups or authorities to protect them and/or question authority and rebel
are neglected or abused, come from unpredictable or alcoholic families, and/or take on the fearfulness of an overly anxious parent

SIXes as Parents

are often loving, nurturing, and have a strong sense of duty
are sometimes reluctant to give their children independence
worry more than most that their children will get hurt
sometimes have trouble saying no and setting boundaries

hold me TIGHT:and NEVER let go-5:33 PM